Find the Words

It's important to make sure you're prepared before engaging in this conversation. Start by compiling a list of resources and planning what you'd like to say.

Plan to have the conversation at a time when you won't be rushed and will have an adequate amount of time to spend with the person.

Have specific examples in mind that help to explain the reasons why you're concerned about this person.

Sharing specific examples as to why you're concerned shows the person that you care enough about them to notice when something seems wrong. Specific examples also make it clear to the person that you're not just asking "out of the blue," which can make it more difficult for them to deny that something has been bothering them.

• "I've noticed you've been isolating yourself from friends lately and have been sleeping more than usual. Are you doing okay? I'm here for you."

Talking about suicide does NOT put the idea in someone's mind. In some cases, it can actually provide them with a sense of relief.

Why is it so important to ask the question directly?

• It lets the person know that you're willing to talk about suicide

• It establishes that you and the person at risk are talking about the same thing

Examples for how to ask about suicide:

• "Sometimes when people feel that way they are thinking about suicide. Are you thinking about suicide?"

• "Are you thinking of ending your life?"

To determine the level of risk, start by asking the following questions:

• Do you have a plan to kill yourself?

• Have you decided when you'd do it?

• Do you have everything you need to carry out your plan?

If the person answers yes to any of these questions, seek immediate help.

• Call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

• Call 911 and ask for a trained crisis responder

This might be the first time the person has said out loud that they're thinking of killing themselves. They might be able to convince themselves that it's not the option they want to pursue right now.

They may have been thinking about this for a long time, but not had the chance to share it with anyone - give them the chance to share, uninterrupted and free of judgement.

Do NOT give advice. Listen and validate.

"You are still here and living is still an option."

By noticing the signs and starting the conversation, you are already showing the person that you care, but it's important to continue reiterating this.

It's very important to be genuine, sincere, and to let them know that you are taking them seriously. They may have shared thoughts with others, but had them dismissed.

Continue reiterating that you care about them and are there for them. Don't interrupt or try to rush the conversation.

Instead of judging or lecturing, do your best to acknowledge their experience. If they need time to think, be willing to sit patiently in the silence.

Stay in touch with the person. Consider setting a reminder to check back in with them in a couple of days or weeks.

Share resources you've found that may be helpful to them. If they've been experiencing these feelings for more than a couple of weeks, encourage them to seek professional help. You could even offer to help them make the appointment or to accompany them.

Creating a safety plan starts with disarming any existing plan the person might have, so ensuring they don't have access to lethal means is an important first step.

If you need help, get help from others, including law enforcement.

If you're worried about your own safety at anytime, remove yourself from the situation and dial 911 immediately.

Instead of letting someone know they can talk about suicide with you, this sends a message that you aren't comfortable talking about suicide or that you might dismiss their thoughts if they are thinking about suicide.

It's important to ask directly because suicide is about life and death. You shouldn't ask "are you thinking of harming yourself?" because this can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people and doesn't let you know if suicide is involved or not.

Keeping this type of information a secret does nothing to help the person with thoughts of suicide. When someone's life is at risk, safety is more important than the person being upset with you. Instead of secrecy, promise discretion, thoughtfulness, and involved decision making.

• "I care about you too much to keep a secret like this. You need help and I'm here to help you."

You may be frustrated or angry, but this the most dangerous thing you can say.